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Post by Kiera on Jan 5, 2006 15:07:10 GMT
Please be warned I only want constructive feed back in this thread anyone not following that rule will be warned once and their post deleted and if it continues I will delete their account.
Ok now with this one we have to be careful of the size of the story please keep it to one post and if your story is that big just put a post here telling ppl you have one then they can pm you if they want to see it
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Post by Nikiro on Jan 11, 2006 12:27:19 GMT
ok not exactly a short story... it's an extract from another book I'm writing...
A battered pickup truck drives along a deserted highway. The early morning sun glints off the rusted paintwork as it speeds along. A dark haired man sits in the drivers seat, dark glasses protecting his eyes from the low sun. He winds down his window, allowing the chill in the morning air to wake him, ruffling his shaggy hair as he drives. A blond haired man stirs in the passenger seat. He opens a bleary, almond shaped eye and stares at the man in the seat next to him as he lights a cigarette. “Do you have to smoke?” he asks in a croaky voice. “Sorry man.” The dark haired one replies “Didn’t know you were awake.” He throws the cigarette out of the open window then drives in silence as the blond man coughs and wakes up properly. “Hey Steve…where are we going?” the blond asks “Kai you are gonna love it!” the one called Steve answers. Kai frowns at his friend. “Stop avoiding the answer” Steve sighs. “Besides… last time you said that I ended up with a broken leg!” Kai continues. The pickup truck continues in silence for a few moments before Steve sighs. “We’re going to the Canyon of the Crescent Moon.” He says quietly. Kai looks at Steve in disbelief. “Steve…that canyon was made up for an Indiana Jones movie!” “Wait and see Kai…wait and see…”
critique if ya please...
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Post by Arthas Orion on Feb 6, 2006 20:15:45 GMT
Let me try a short story.
I ran as fast as I could. My shoes made a thin clack as they hit the cobblestone streets of Brooklyn. Looking back, I saw the man who was chasing me, a derringer in his hand. "Stop! Stop, damn you! I'll shoot!" I clutched the bag tighter and kept running, passing the docks. I got a good look at the ships and wondered if one of these were the ones that took me to this "Land of oppritunity" I was fortunate; in the less livable downtown area, cops don't offer much of their protection. I ran into an alley way to try to catch my breath. He walked past.. I got to thinking about what I was doing. My chest heaved and ached from the strain. I pulled myself to my feet and walked away, but as I did, I knocked a trash can over. "Hey, Theif!" I bolted as gunshots fired. I ran halfway accros the city. My lungs screamed for air. Suddenly my leg exploded with pain. I sprawled to the ground, dropping the bag. Glittering gold jewlery scattered from the bag, sending a series of clanks that echoed on the streets. Time stood still as I fell. *I'm sorry, my love. I just wanted... a better life.* The man stood over me. I wanted to look up, but didn't have the strength to. "You know, you have caused me a lot of trouble. You'll have to pay for that" My last thought was his conniving laughter as he pulled the trigger.
This story took place in colonial America, but this situation could be true in any place. Just one more lesson in the cost of avarice.
Let me know if you like it. (Please be frank.)
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Post by halfrek on Feb 12, 2006 16:54:55 GMT
I will be honest, it wasn't bad lol.
Nah really it was allright! Keep it up!
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Post by Tia on Feb 15, 2006 14:15:35 GMT
Ok Nikiro first
I love how much descriptoon you go into, you really set the scene with your use of adjectives and now I'm quite intrested to see where this story goes, but you've definatly got a talent there keep that up, and goodluck with the rest of the book
Ok now Arthas
I love how your writing this in te first person, a technique thats not always ued sucessfully and yet you sem to pull it off. Again like Nikiro you use adjectives alot to sert the scene and you do this just the right amount, not too much, and not too little. This might just be me and when I read over stories I envision them as films but I got the impression from the way it's been constructed that it's very animated, which don't get me wrong because it's excellent, it also helps the reader, especially those who struggle when it comes to picturing what it is they are reading
Both of you clearly have a talent, keep writing away guys, and who knows where it'll lead
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Post by Arthas Orion on Feb 15, 2006 19:09:41 GMT
Thank you!
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Adelaide
Strong
Vampire Mage
That fatal kiss is rare...
Posts: 1,074
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Post by Adelaide on Feb 15, 2006 21:42:41 GMT
thanks Tia. I actually do the movie thing as well hehe. I see the scenes as a film before I write them.
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Post by Tia on Feb 15, 2006 21:47:34 GMT
Ooo Well your clearly both very talented - ever want a director to film your stories - script em and let me know
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Post by halfrek on Feb 16, 2006 18:20:12 GMT
You gonna be a director en?
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Post by Tia on Feb 17, 2006 17:11:37 GMT
ooh yes!!
I live for films, I love everything about them
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Dharok
Average
Elf
guess whos back
Posts: 371
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Post by Dharok on Feb 20, 2006 19:15:09 GMT
Just an idea i had, i might add to it as Dharok encounters more things Chepi - through the eyes of an inquisitor The sun beat down heavily on my face as i stepped off onto the tarmack. Not long after arriving i found myself at the door of 'The Coffee Pot', it's aroma of fresh coffee filling my lungs as i stepped inside the cool room. After finally managing to get my coffee, from, what seemed , the slowest waitress in town, i came across a woman going by the name of Helena. She was simple minded, but sweet never-the-less. I reluctantly chatted with her for a while, until the hours passed and it was time to leave.
The next day, for some unknown reason, i found myself at the doors of that aromatic cafe known as The Coffee Pot. Yeah, i had a flat in the centre of town, but for some reason it didn't compare to the great atmosphere of my... "second home". That day, however, was going to change my days at Chepi forever. After brawling with a young demon - Danjal - and beating his weak ass to a pulp, i came across an Inquisitor. He looked quite old, with a battle-scarred countenance. His eyes were of a cloudy white, they seemed almost unreal. Anyway, where was i? Oh yes. He was an inquisitor...
After talking to him about my experience with Danjal, he got onto the subject of his fascinating job. I was drawn to this particular career greatly as it suited my personality pefectly. I told this man, Corbulo was his name, how i felt about inquisitors and he gave me the offer of a life time. He told me that i should meet him at the church that same night if i were interested. I couldn't believe my luck and after some deep thought, it was decided. I... the Elf Dharok... was going to be an Inquisitor...it was as clear as the fact that bears shit in the woods...To be continued
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Post by Hell Knight Crom on Feb 20, 2006 20:10:48 GMT
Thas cool mate gud job!
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Post by Kiera on Feb 20, 2006 20:13:01 GMT
Yeah ab fab!!!
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Post by Hell Knight Crom on Feb 20, 2006 20:28:34 GMT
Invitation to a party
He watched from the silence and darkness of the backalley opposite Don Forte's mansion. Tonight would be Forte's 60th birthday, and all of the major-league gangsters would be inside.
The 'he' in the alley was Tobias Reparo - a merc, a hitman. Payed to kill, and tonight was no exception.
The small amount of snow had covered the black tarmac streets, and since it was getting colder, a thin layer of ice had formed over the snow, making it crunchy. Tobias watched as one by one the families arrived. The Giovanni's, the Paesani, the Forte's and the Caesars. Each with an retinue of probably armed muscles, each looking for trouble, or an excuse to shart shooting.
Tobias stepped from the alley, out of the darkness and into the semi-dark of the street. A few lights filtered light onto the white pathways.
The entire mansion was walled-off from the street, with only two entrances. A side entrance for deliveries, food that sort of thing, and the main entrance, constantly guarded and patrolled by armed members of the Forte family. Tobias would be taking the main entrance.
The hitman walked slowly across the street and over to the iron gates. He wore his tuxedo, with a red tie and white shirt. The snow marked each step with a distinguished crunch...
Not that i wanna leave it at a cliff hang, but i cant be arsed to write anymore...lol
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Post by Kiera on Feb 20, 2006 21:42:20 GMT
lol well i look forward to more when you can be bothered haha very good
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